my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
