when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize