I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
