well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
