I think my fart just growled at me.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
