there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
