it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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