You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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