I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
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