Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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