at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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