he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
