I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I lost the right to judge tonight
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
