This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
