The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
