I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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