Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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