i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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