I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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