respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
