Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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