I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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