I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Is it because I queefed?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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