My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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