your room smells of hookers.
And success
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
