listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I understand Curling. That high.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
