No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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