She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
