I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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