I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
