No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
