Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
