My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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