finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Randomize
