I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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