her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
