Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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