then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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