there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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