i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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