i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize