I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
