i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
