don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
