we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
