i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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