i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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