wanna go halves on a baby?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
