i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
