This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
