I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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