I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
