I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
