i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i've created a new STD.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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