Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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