I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
