was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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