I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
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