your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize