i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
