we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
